kryptonite

My sponsor asked me to write a list of everything I am powerless over and why. That's the easy part.
Practicing it is harder, I have to continuously remind myself every moment that I am powerless. It's humbling and empowering at the same time. I struggle with being powerless over others, I don't want to control them, I just want to help them, I don't want anyone to feel pain. But then that is me not giving them the right to feel, to work through it, and become stronger. I need to feel my own pain in order to get better, and so do they. I am Lauren, not superman... All I can do is lend an ear when they need to be heard, and offer a hug when they need to be held. This is frustrating at times, but I'm okay with it today. I have gone most of my life trying to "fix" things the way I thought was "right", when really I should have just been patient with the way they were going. I cant save my mom, I cant save my friends, all I can do is try to save myself.

Holy Union

Recently I have been seeing a lot of my old friends getting engaged, or married on the book of faces.
Being in love is cool and all that, but I don't understand the whole signing yourself away to someone forever, needing a piece of paper to make it legit. I feel like if you love someone you shouldn't try to contract them to you. It's a little selfish in my eyes, "for better or for worse" no matter what your stuck with me! People change, life is all about changing and adapting, you can either grow with them, or be miserable. Most people are stuck in the later. I say to promise each other for as long as you can, but not forever. It's cute and sweet, the thought of forever but not realistic. Throw a party celebrating your love, and try to hold on to it for as long as possible. Be a partner, not a master. Maybe I'm just being cynical, or maybe I'm just being naïve, thinking that marriage is actually about love. Whatever it is, I know right now I'm not looking for the white picket fences, happily ever after. I just want someone to hold my hand.

Strawberry Fields Forever

The Beatles... love them or hate them we've all had an experience that can be related to a line in a song they wrote, whether it be Helter Skelter, Or I want to hold your hand, it's timeless. Yeah a lot of artists sing silly love songs, but the Beatles were a group that everyone enjoyed, from pre-teens to grandmothers, there's a universal indulgence in one way or another. That's what made them so big. "Life would be so much more simple if it could just be a line in a song." Ok.. but is simple what we really want? I don't. I'll take my scattered mind, trying to make sense of all my madness, then end up giving up and giving in. There is no order to my disorder. I have a love/hate relationship with the chaos that tornados around in my head, it can be beautiful, it can be sick, but it is me. Johnny hobo said it himself, " I'll take the beauty of my chaos over anyone else's perfection."

Breaking Out

I may be bruised, but I'm not broken. I am finally free.
From those chains, those ropes you had tied around me.
My scars will fade and my mind will clear
I will no longer have to live life in fear
Each day I am stronger than I was before
learning to love myself more and more.
I know I need help, and that's what I find.
these people give me hope, and peace of mind.



stay humble, stay beautiful, let yourself free.

victimless crime

I woke up this morning in a frenzy, there was something there.. deep inside that was screaming to get out. Before I went to bed a friend said to me, "Don't be so scared, no one is going to hurt you." It's been haunting me, such a simple sentence that was meant to reassure me and make me feel safe has now turned my insides upside down. Sometimes I wish I could just have the physical pain again, at least that was more simple, more routine. This waiting.. anticipating for it to come again, is killing me. Actions are easier to understand then the thoughts and feelings that play a part in it. Emotions leave room for gray, and I have always strived for black and white, I didn't have to question or wonder anything. Today is different, today I must allow myself to think, to go through it, and get past it. I refuse to allow my past dictate my future. I am not a victim.

I watch my neighbors and wonder if they are aware of the chaos that surrounds us. Do the confides of their home shield them from others despair? When they close their door is it a safe haven? or are they just sparing the world the madness that is them? I look at myself in the mirror and start naming everything wrong with me on the outside. It's much easier than taking a look in. It's dark in there, the pain and suffering burns up into my eyes. Please stop looking at me. It's nothing but a horrible mess.. or maybe just maybe, a beautiful disaster.